Missing

Fathers Day I am sure was invented with all good intentions at heart. But it hits all of those who either have no parents or have lost a parent. Returning home this fathers day from Neha's lunch i saw this father & daughter (around 7-8 yr old) waiting to cross the road at Mahim. The father was holding his daughter's hand while crossing the road. As I watched them I was suddenly missing my dad like hell; missing holding his hand.


My father loved to hold hands. My parents romance stories when told by mom had anecdotes of him holding her hand whereever they went in public. This was pretty rare in the 60's when they were dating. Dad was always doing small things like getting a glass of water for mom at a wedding, getting her a plate of food so she didnt have to stand in a queue at a buffet etc. My parents often hugged and kissed so this was never considered odd by us when growing up. We only realized that other parents don't quite behave like them when we started going to friends houses or visited our relatives. I often wondered why my aunts & uncles showed no signs of affection towards one another in their house. My parents were often teased by my aunts & uncles because of this public display of affection.


When we were kids Dad always held our hand to help & guide us. But we still held hands even when we didn't need any guidance any more. He held my brothers hands too when we were growing up; but somewhere along the way the guys stopped holding his hand. For me; it was an automatic gesture to reach out to hold dad's hand whenever we went out. I never gave it much thought. We were often teased by dad's friends who met us when on our walks (me going to the library & dad for his evening walk)


Somehow its the small things that one always misses. Dad has been gone for a few years now. Holding hands is something that I didn't even realize I was missing till this father's day.

- Wrote this post a few days ago but never posted it. Today when I read it I still feel my eyes misting over so I guess no matter how long it is, absense never ceases to make you stop loving.
Cleaned out my drawer today and found pictures of my dog (micky) & tom who are both dead. Memories of both came flooding back while i held their pictures in my hand. I wonder if Pinks & mouse miss him as much as I do. Do they remember that they had a brother?

I wonder...

I wonder is it easier to love someone than to be loved? Why do we so easily lose someone...than to tell them they're loved

I wonder is it easier to hold hands when you can, than realize that the hands aren't around to be held anymore.

Is it easier to let go than watch someone you love suffer? I wonder...
Loving and losing don't get much easier with age or time.

Does life stop with the beating of the heart? or when memories no longer linger...
Does loss ever get easier to bear? Do you ever stop missing someone?

Do we forget the smells, the loving touch, that hug, that comfort...or does it stay forever

What is forever...i wonder.

Rains are back with a bang.

Pouring rain has hit us again. Instead of a nice slow start this year its back with a bang. Pouring away for the last 3 days now. It caught me in the middle of our annual water proofing of the roof.

So now its no water in the balcony but mini-lake in the living room. Am keeping the mop handy as usual. Had the workers doing plastering in the house yesterday. Incredibly messy it is. With cement all over the place. We have so many things in the house that removing them takes ages. Finally they finished after almost 12 hrs at 9pm. Then the clean up etc had mom & me working till almost 10pm.

Got a nasty shock on friday nite. Collected mom's report and took to doc. He looked very worried on seeing the reports. Apparently mom has a very nasty bug which causes infections in diabetics & senior citizens with lowered immunity. Problem is drugs to treat it are very bad ones which cause more harm than good. Hospitalization was mentioned as they are all intravenous. He asked me to meet a urologist to decide next steps. Met him on friday nite itself. More tests are in the pipeline. I ended up outside the doc's wondering how do i tell mom this with tears in my eyes. Was composed by the time i got home & sat and told mom and Sachin about the test results. Mom isn't feeling sick and so is reluctant of course to be hostpitalized but its always infections like these that are more dangerous as it gives false information to the body and cloaks the infection and toxins cleverly. Read up some papers on it & now am more worried.

This has been a bad ending to the week. To add to my list of woes mouse comes home with his face all swollen, right eye swollen shut, face all full of cuts, ear bloody. Was sleeping quietly in chair in the passage when I saw him in the morning. He looked so bad that I almost called the vet in a panic.

Cleaned him up & have put medicines on his wounds. Am taking him to vet tomorrow to rule out any sepsis of wounds etc. I hope the rains keep him at home more nights and so he stays safe and away from other fighting tom cats. Its not nice to be a tom cat, ur always in a fight...wether you want to be or not...someone is always challenging you. Seems to be out of a wild west western where the best gunslingers always had someone younger trying to outdo them.