Feeling Helpless

Another rainy day....unfortunately this one has bad memories associated with it. Dad died on this day 5 years ago.

That was a rainy day, so is today....so it's strange, its always said that time heals everything, makes things better, i wonder does it really or do we just feel that way. I still remember the day my father died as clearly as if it happened yesterday...i guess some memories are written with indelible ink in your brain...forever intact.

So I asked Mom on Tuesday evening about plans for doing Dad's shradha & she was surprised that I remembered....I wonder why...I know that I can never forget & it's the same for my brothers. Mom & I were very melancholy that evening, she said a very poignant thing - I can't believe its 5 years already, 60 months without him.

Sometimes we kids forget how it must be for mom, spending 40 years with someone you love, knowing him even longer than that...and then suddenly one day he's gone....there is so much you wish you'd said, so many things you wanted to share with him. It is so sad, Dad loved kids but he never lived to see or meet his first grand-daughter.

And then suddenly on Wednesday evening I was introduced to the flip side of that by my cousin. My eldest uncle & aunt (my Dad's eldest brother, Dad was the youngest...but was the first one to die of a heart attack) are in their 80's, my uncle is 86 and aunt just turned 80. They have lived through it all, kids marriages, grand kids births, some grand kids are now old enough to marry & have great-grand kids.

But what kind of a life have they had, it was good till their 60's; but 70's onwards life has been innumerable spells of hospitalization, deafness, broken bones, days & nights of pain. My aunt has been completely bed ridden for the last few years, praying to God to take her away...alas there is more suffering in store for her.

I plan to visit her tomorrow cause my cousin was not very optimistic about her condition when we spoke, sometimes death is a salvation that is long overdue. I felt so sad & helpless when I heard about her condition & understood the helplessness felt by my cousin too.

My uncle has gone completely deaf, can't walk, can't read. He's can't do anything for his wife. It is so sad. I still remember talking to them after my Dad died and they were wishing for a death like Dad's....i found it very strange at the time. I couldnt understand why someone would choose a certain type of death. Today I understand.