Short vacations, maudlin thoughts...

Been feeling a bit maudlin these last few days...circumstances i guess. Went to Daman last weekend. Nice small town, very dirty unwalkable beach (sad to call it a beach actually, but can't think of any other name for it) very nice room at this resort called Silver Sands Beach Resort (very misleading name...where's the sand???) very bad NH8, loads of potholes & miles of what used to be a road & is now just potholes on which the car can travel at zero speed.

Free booze at all the hotels meant that most of the guests at the resort were just there for the booze (over from gujarat where there is prohibition) Ours was no exception, we had nice poolside rooms...but pool was filthy (not that i swim :D) very noisy on sunday but peacefully quiet on monday.

Monday morning we took a trip down to Udwada, just 30 mins from Daman. Very peaceful quiet Parsi township which at one time must have been a lot more bustling than it is now. Now its mostly old abandoned homes, beautiful homes which are in disrepair, I just felt very sad at what must have been a very nice place to vist a few decades ago. Uncle F told me some nice childhood stories of his navroze and holidays spent as kids playing on the beach (yes, it actually had sand in those days, now its all rocks & marsh...very sad the disintegration of the beach)

The house that they used to stay in stands today ...a crumbling reminder of the past. We picked up some Parsi baked goods like nankhatais, papads, lovely fresh green limes, chandan (for mom)
On our way home we stopped at this very old Parsi restaurant called Oliyajees, very nice authentic Parsi food. We had placed an order the day before of the special dishes Uncle F wanted to eat. My first Parsi meal, I enjoyed it thoroughly.

Mom & I took a nice long walk in the evening in a park adjoining the beach. Very nice weather, great sea breeze, hardly any people around in the park. We walked for some time, sat on a bench; chatted & enjoyed the cool sea breeze. No mosquitoes meant that it was even better.

Cocktails in K's room in the evening, we sat in chairs outside our room enjoying the nice weather. The return journey the next day was nothing short of a nightmare ride, 6 hrs is how long it took for us to get back home. Some great music on a cd was what kept us sane. Listened to Sinatra, Louis Armstrong, Cliff Richards and others....great music from the 50's and 60's.
Lovely break from work, didnt even spend a minute thinking about work which was great.

Wed eve my cousin called to tell me that my aunt who was ailing for a long time had died. Had mixed thoughts, relief that she was not suffering and in pain alongwith grief and a sense of loss that I would never ever talk to her again. Death gives such finality to things. There is no rewind.

I took a train to Dombivili where my uncle & aunt stay. The train was crowded for 6.30pm on a holiday. Thoughts of my last conversations with my aunt kept playing through my head, my last visit to her the week before when she was in hospital & didnt even recognize us which was very sad. I tried very hard not to cry in public ...but could feel tears running down my cheeks. My uncle was coping pretty well, I think he was relieved that she wasnt suffering any more. Met all my cousins, cried a lot... watched and participated in all the pre funeral rituals (for the first time in my life) My aunt's last wish was honored, her copy of Gone with the Wind was cremated with her. She had cherished that book in her lifetime, read it a million times, loved to discuss it with anyone who loved books as much as her. We had many a discussions on Scarlett. My brother M went along with my male cousins to the crematorium at around 10. I decided to head home as next day I had to go to work.

The 10.07 train from Dombivli was quite full, I didnt realize that ladies compartments are not having any ladies at that time of the nite. Most compartments seemed to be filled with men, some had wives & kids with them. Finally decided to sit in the first class compartment which had this couple with a little girl with them. Soon other families joined us at the next stations.

At Kurla we actually had a TC walk in to check tickets...at 10.45pm. Matunga station was almost empty at 11pm. I didnt have the energy to walk home so simply took a cab outside the station.

Came home feeling physically and mentally drained. Strangely I kept feeling drained for the next 2 days. Emotional distress can really make you feel physically tired as well.

This weekend has been a great healer. Feel much better, I'm usually pretty upbeat about life. Death I think has the ability to rob you of everything but memories, its these memories which we cherish and keep as secure and alive as possible when loved ones are no longer physically present.

Feeling Helpless

Another rainy day....unfortunately this one has bad memories associated with it. Dad died on this day 5 years ago.

That was a rainy day, so is today....so it's strange, its always said that time heals everything, makes things better, i wonder does it really or do we just feel that way. I still remember the day my father died as clearly as if it happened yesterday...i guess some memories are written with indelible ink in your brain...forever intact.

So I asked Mom on Tuesday evening about plans for doing Dad's shradha & she was surprised that I remembered....I wonder why...I know that I can never forget & it's the same for my brothers. Mom & I were very melancholy that evening, she said a very poignant thing - I can't believe its 5 years already, 60 months without him.

Sometimes we kids forget how it must be for mom, spending 40 years with someone you love, knowing him even longer than that...and then suddenly one day he's gone....there is so much you wish you'd said, so many things you wanted to share with him. It is so sad, Dad loved kids but he never lived to see or meet his first grand-daughter.

And then suddenly on Wednesday evening I was introduced to the flip side of that by my cousin. My eldest uncle & aunt (my Dad's eldest brother, Dad was the youngest...but was the first one to die of a heart attack) are in their 80's, my uncle is 86 and aunt just turned 80. They have lived through it all, kids marriages, grand kids births, some grand kids are now old enough to marry & have great-grand kids.

But what kind of a life have they had, it was good till their 60's; but 70's onwards life has been innumerable spells of hospitalization, deafness, broken bones, days & nights of pain. My aunt has been completely bed ridden for the last few years, praying to God to take her away...alas there is more suffering in store for her.

I plan to visit her tomorrow cause my cousin was not very optimistic about her condition when we spoke, sometimes death is a salvation that is long overdue. I felt so sad & helpless when I heard about her condition & understood the helplessness felt by my cousin too.

My uncle has gone completely deaf, can't walk, can't read. He's can't do anything for his wife. It is so sad. I still remember talking to them after my Dad died and they were wishing for a death like Dad's....i found it very strange at the time. I couldnt understand why someone would choose a certain type of death. Today I understand.