Thanks to Neha who found this. http://www.jamesshuggins.com/h/hum1/guidelines_for_cats.htm
Its one of the funniest & accurate guidelines I've ever read. They follow these like the word of god. I have a few to add here:
Doors: Make sure your human is otherwise engaged when you ask to open the door. Meow piteously and act as if door opening is a life & death situation for you. Pretend to use the door when its finally opened by human (reluctantly). Quickly return back to house from the window once human is 5 steps away from the door.
Wake your human up at odd hours of night to open doors; always ensure that they stay tuned to your habits.
Beds: Are not just for sleeping, so what if you have to share them sometimes with humans. They can adjust around your comfort. Take as much space as you can. Stretch out while sleeping. Spend as much time as possible sleeping on beds. When not sleeping they are equally good for throwing up.
When your human is sleeping, always sleep on their legs so that they can't move! If they dare to turn; get up and give looks which makes them feel guilty about waking you up!
Table Scraps: Never share your food with any humans; But they must always share their food. Give loud meows, paws on knees, bump their legs while eating. If nothing works get desperate & try to eat off their plate. (Might result in human getting annoyed; but does work at times)
Petting: Make sure you catch your human as soon as they return home. Jump on lap, purr. Get your human to massage your head & pet you. Lick human hand whenever human forgets to perform their petting duty.
Sit in chair next to your human to get proper attention. Lie on bed & meow amiably to make human scratch your tummy. Always ensure that human is not idle, tv watching is perfect time for petting you too.
Jump on lap or on stomach if lazy human is sleeping & pretending to watch tv. Make sure your large head is all your human can see till human agrees to pet you. Make huge fuss about being neglected by your human.
Hunting: Always be on the lookout for tasty scraps. Has your human left some yummy fish uncovered on the kitchen platform? Then its time for you to help yourselves to some of it. Make sure no bones are left behind for human to discover!
Always give your human some trophies, pigeon feathers, squirrel tails are all prized. Let your human know you are a fearsome hunter. Get a live squirrel & chase it around the house. Sometimes even a mouse will do.
Litter tray: Humans are lazy. Always ensure your human knows its their job to keep litter tray clean & yours to use it. Ensure you use it as soon as human has finished cleaning it up. Give human something interesting to do by ensuring that they can clean a few other places around the house too.
