Small Changes

Decided to make small changes in my life. Starting with getting some regular exercise. Walks everyday at 5 gardens have been started for the last few days. Cats have been surprised to find me awake at their witching hour. Calling it that cause that's the time when the house is entirely theirs (we humans are fast asleep, they are all congregated in the kitchen planning cat capers)

Every morning when I enter the kitchen I find Pinks fast asleep on the dining table, Tangy on the dining chair, Girlie snoozing away on top of the microwave. But they are all awake at around 6 which is my new wake up time. Mobile phone alarms are a super must have in life. I depend on mine to ring me awake every morning. It does, its never failed me till date. I so love my sony ericsson phone, its been a looooooong love affair now. Over a year and a half old and still going strong.

Tangy is so surprised to see me sleep walk around the kitchen in the morning, he keeps following me around, asking questions (meows actually which i feel are all questions like what are u up to? )

Morning walks or evening ones would be so much more interesting were i to see some interesting people. Unfortunately so far the interesting ones seem to be hitting the gyms :D
My companions are all old uncles & aunties. Loads of pot bellied middle aged guys eyeing all the women who pass them on the road. Serious exercise buffs jogging on the road (practising for the marathon me thinks) Groups of ladies doing yoga in the garden, groups of older men practising acupressure in another. Kids playing cricket at 6.30am (...wow was thought running thru head, i have to watch out for cricket balls even now!) What time do they start playing i wondered. Divali vacation is the answer i think, I shouldnt see them doing that once school reopens on Monday.
I hope so, dodging other walkers, dog poop on the footpath, vendors selling fruits, water stalls (good idea that by some good samaritans) groups of dogs sitting in middle of road watching mad humans run & walk past them with bemused expressions on their face are entertaining enough.

Me I listen to Amy Winehouse belting out love songs in my ears; Coldplay works well for walks too. Daughtry screams I'm going home on the way back. Fuzz's voice singing night is mournful somehow makes me misty eyed. It has such longing that song. It makes me wonder what it takes to get someone to feel that way about you.

The older one gets i think priorities change. I don't find myself wondering if I can buy a car or a house. I find myself thinking that i hope to get to spend as much time as possible with my loved ones. Life is fleeting!

Jerry & Pinks turned 6 last week. Found myself thinking cats live for 15 years. I hope i have them with me for that long.

I think I have had a pretty good life so far; except for not falling in love (one cant get it all I guess :D) I was thinking the other day there are so many people on this planet who are married, have kids, yet have never been in love either. Who's priorities and outlook of life is completely different from my own. Isn't it strange how each one of us is governed by our upbringing, our circumstances, our relationships.

My parents have never forced me to do anything as an adult. Decisions have always been mine to take. Yet I always consulted them. Their relationship has greatly influenced me. Their love for one another has influenced all 4 of us i feel. I know its an accepted tradition as part of our society that parents decide who you marry. So many of my friends have had arranged marriages, all my cousins have had marriages arranged by parents or some other relatives. I've received advice from my uncles & aunts about getting married as soon as possible umpteen number of times.

Find aunties in my colony advising me to get married as soon as possible because of the way I look. I'm thinking ...wth...is it a prerequisite of life that i'm unaware of, you are attractive so you should be married & have kids.

What I find strange is the strong belief that these people have in themselves. They are always right. Don't you dare point out otherwise. Every guy they recommend is the best possible match for you. They don't even know the guy; but he has the right father and the right job and of course is of your caste (most important) No matter how much we progress somehow we are regressing where some things are concerned.

Life certainly does move in circles. I find my cousins doing the same thing that their parents did 25 odd years ago to them. What's even stranger is finding my neices spouting the same dialogues as ones I've heard from their mom's years ago. Will work if he allows me to (i'm thinking girl don't u have any say in your life...he's your partner in life, he doesnt own you) Attending weddings & hearing this from my 20 odd year old neices frankly puts me in a depression for a few hours. What use is education when you don't respect yourself & value your rights?

Finding a partner who thinks you are equal to him & respects your brains as much as he appreciates your looks matter. Looks fade respect doesn't. Its very unfortunate that we as women dont respect ourselves enough.

Shared a car with an office colleague the other day who tells me his daughters are guests in his house. I give them whatever they demand, I indulge them as they are temporary in my house.
I was left speechless frankly, if dads still think this way in 2007. Poor girls. Can they ever depend on him to stand by them?

I am very lucky in that respect. My dad never let me think I was a guest in my own home. Love was without conditions & limitless. Dad was someone I could always turn to.
It is with complete confidence that I knew that no matter what happened to me my parents will always be there with me. Never against me.

Gotta go; Mom's calling for dinner.

Feelings

Feelings are so hard to comprehend
Sometimes easy...sometimes so tough to understand.
Why do we feel the way we do, who can tell me why

Caring comes so easily, brings with it so many complications
Should I care, do I have a choice?
I think I never had a choice; suddenly one day I cared.

Thinking complicates everything...feeling & caring is so much simpler to bear.

Why does a smile have me smiling with joy
Why do thoughts keep tumbling though my head
Why are things so complicated to comprehend!

Life was so simple; alas no more
Fear looms large in my head
Does wisdom really come with age or experience
I wonder why; life suddenly feels so incomplete

The more I think; the more I reason with myself
Surely I can stop these feelings
Don't I control the way I feel

What a fool I have been to think that caring & feeling can be reasoned
There is no reasoning for the way one feels

So I feel; so I care....

Freedom at a price (of course, when was it ever free :D)

Feeling a bit euphoric for the last 2 weeks; reason is very simple but makes my life sooooooo much easier. Finally got transportation from the station to office.

This means a lot of things to me (am sharing car with 3 other co-workers) to help reduce the cost and they benefit too :D

- Freedom from rickshaw wallas who had to be begged & pleaded to every morning. Made the whole coming to office experience that much worse.
- Freedom from tensions - will i reach on time, will i get a rickshaw today, will i get someone to share it with (imp if meter runs amok & u are the only one paying)
- Freedom from worries - gotta catch an earlier train to avoid the rick rush at the station, but too early didnt work either as then there were hardly any ricks available to hail.

One drawback is there of course (no drawback free schemes on this planet i feel) - have to start & leave office at a fixed time. Which isn't too bad actually. But me being me; anything that takes away flexibility is associated with being bad. An aquarian trait i think :)

Mom's cataract operation is scheduled for thurs. At last, very long time overdue. I hope she can see well with the eye as the cataract is quite advanced.

I'm keeping all my fingers crossed till such time that we know...which will be a few days after the operation.

Mindless violence & Curious cats

Two nights ago a friend & I were travelling in a rickshaw at around 8.30pm near sakinaka. Traffic jam on the road meant that our driver was easing his way slowly on the road, suddenly we spot a bike trying to take over from the right. He suddenly swerved & stopped in front of our rickshaw forcing our driver to stop. The bike rider was this swarthy looking guy who appeared to be drunk...came & slapped our driver after giving him some choice abuses. We were simply too stunned in the first few minutes to react. He demanded an apology from our driver who was this thin, small guy only too eager to avoid an altercation with this goon.

I have seen the other side of such an argument a while back when on my way to office something similar had happened, same kinda altercation between rickshaw & bike. But in that case my driver was this burly fellow who dared the bike rider to get off & get into a fight. No physical action took place that day...but it was only the fear of getting beaten up which stopped the bike driver from getting involved in a fight.

I'm sure such altercations are common place in the lives of people driving public transportation like rickshaw or cab drivers. It seems to me that appearance and bravado stop or in some cases aggravate such situations. But we are merely spectators while such mindless violent acts are enacted around us. Both my friend & I felt bad for our driver who got slapped around for no fault on his part. But we were helpless to do anything.

I always wonder what part of the male psyche makes it so easy for them to accept violence, guys think nothing of slapping or kicking someone, be it in anger or hitting someone in the name of stupid traditions which are carried over from college days and form a part of ragging rituals. I have never slapped or kicked someone in my life & the mere thought of someone doing that to me or vice versa is abhorrent. Yet when I see male colleagues giving bums to someone on their birthday as part of some hostel traditions; and the receiver remembering who hit him the hardest so that he can enact revenge at a later stage...it just makes me feel very sad. Education & upbringing simply don't eradicate violence from our psyche. We have to strive to do that ourselves. Talking with my male colleagues about this mindless & senseless activity which is like an endless tape playing itself over & over again hasn't helped at all. Its always a case of I was hit & so I have to take revenge & hit so & so on his bday too. WHY?? I haven't got a satisfactory answer yet. It just makes me glad that I am not a guy working at my office; I would never put up with this. It turns a happy celebration of someone's birthday into a violent & pain filled one if its a guy. It's revolting to watch someone being kicked no matter what is the excuse used to deliver that. And of course being guys they are all supposed to take it in the "right spirit".

Having lived with 4 men all of my life, this violence is new to me. I don't ever remember any of them doing anything like this with their friends. Of course they have got into fights; I remember my elder brother beating some one once when I was quite young. I remember my parents being very angry with him. Growing up with 3 guys did mean that we did get into physical fights sometimes, but my parents had the golden rule of no hitting girls; which meant that I never actually got hit very hard if at all :D But I was a bit of a tomboy growing up & have got into all sorts of fights with my brothers. Still I feel its different when you get physical in a fight as a kid & way different when you do it as an adult. When you do it as an adult in self defense or when you do it in a fight or as a group activity of beating someone ...its different each time. You have a choice and you have to live with the consequences of that choice. Choosing not to hit someone takes greater strength & conviction. Sadly that is sorely lacking in so many human beings.

On a lighter note; Tangy got into some unusual activity (okay, not so unusual for him...he's done this a few times in his 5 year old life) Mom left the cupboard open while she went to pay the delivery guy & of course tangy who was blissfully snoozing on the bed decides to explore the cupboard contents.

Mom returned & closed the cupboard without noticing the rascal. He was probably howling away but mom stayed in the kitchen for the next few hrs. Luckily for him our bai heard his meows & got mom to rescue him. It was pretty dramatic with the key not turning (its a very old wooden cupboard) my brother came to the rescue by managing to get the key to turn & open the door.
Tangy had scratched the cupboard & some of its contents during his ordeal.

Poor guy his nose & cheek have got scratched raw. Its turned black now & he's looking like a true adventurer.

Partly sunny day today meant that I could partially dry the 2 bags of soil I'd bought for the cats litter tray. Sadly the sun wasnt very bright and the soil too soggy. So its gonna be another day of sun at least before the soil dries out enough for me to use. Got a few earthworms in the soil, whom I released into a bougainvillea pot. They can use them to help keep the soil nice & aerated. Pinks & girlie were thrilled that I'd provided them with so much soil to play in. By the end of the day the soil was looking nicely played in and all over the place.

C aunty braved the cats & visited us for some time this afternoon. I've never met anyone who is so scared of cats. They of course didn't bother her at all. Just watched from a distance. Girlie of course ran to the loft as soon as she spotted a stranger. (My hopes of turning her into a Guard-cat have all been dashed) This new found bravery means that we can now invite her over more often; where earlier she used to run off ...now she has no reasons to.

Short vacations, maudlin thoughts...

Been feeling a bit maudlin these last few days...circumstances i guess. Went to Daman last weekend. Nice small town, very dirty unwalkable beach (sad to call it a beach actually, but can't think of any other name for it) very nice room at this resort called Silver Sands Beach Resort (very misleading name...where's the sand???) very bad NH8, loads of potholes & miles of what used to be a road & is now just potholes on which the car can travel at zero speed.

Free booze at all the hotels meant that most of the guests at the resort were just there for the booze (over from gujarat where there is prohibition) Ours was no exception, we had nice poolside rooms...but pool was filthy (not that i swim :D) very noisy on sunday but peacefully quiet on monday.

Monday morning we took a trip down to Udwada, just 30 mins from Daman. Very peaceful quiet Parsi township which at one time must have been a lot more bustling than it is now. Now its mostly old abandoned homes, beautiful homes which are in disrepair, I just felt very sad at what must have been a very nice place to vist a few decades ago. Uncle F told me some nice childhood stories of his navroze and holidays spent as kids playing on the beach (yes, it actually had sand in those days, now its all rocks & marsh...very sad the disintegration of the beach)

The house that they used to stay in stands today ...a crumbling reminder of the past. We picked up some Parsi baked goods like nankhatais, papads, lovely fresh green limes, chandan (for mom)
On our way home we stopped at this very old Parsi restaurant called Oliyajees, very nice authentic Parsi food. We had placed an order the day before of the special dishes Uncle F wanted to eat. My first Parsi meal, I enjoyed it thoroughly.

Mom & I took a nice long walk in the evening in a park adjoining the beach. Very nice weather, great sea breeze, hardly any people around in the park. We walked for some time, sat on a bench; chatted & enjoyed the cool sea breeze. No mosquitoes meant that it was even better.

Cocktails in K's room in the evening, we sat in chairs outside our room enjoying the nice weather. The return journey the next day was nothing short of a nightmare ride, 6 hrs is how long it took for us to get back home. Some great music on a cd was what kept us sane. Listened to Sinatra, Louis Armstrong, Cliff Richards and others....great music from the 50's and 60's.
Lovely break from work, didnt even spend a minute thinking about work which was great.

Wed eve my cousin called to tell me that my aunt who was ailing for a long time had died. Had mixed thoughts, relief that she was not suffering and in pain alongwith grief and a sense of loss that I would never ever talk to her again. Death gives such finality to things. There is no rewind.

I took a train to Dombivili where my uncle & aunt stay. The train was crowded for 6.30pm on a holiday. Thoughts of my last conversations with my aunt kept playing through my head, my last visit to her the week before when she was in hospital & didnt even recognize us which was very sad. I tried very hard not to cry in public ...but could feel tears running down my cheeks. My uncle was coping pretty well, I think he was relieved that she wasnt suffering any more. Met all my cousins, cried a lot... watched and participated in all the pre funeral rituals (for the first time in my life) My aunt's last wish was honored, her copy of Gone with the Wind was cremated with her. She had cherished that book in her lifetime, read it a million times, loved to discuss it with anyone who loved books as much as her. We had many a discussions on Scarlett. My brother M went along with my male cousins to the crematorium at around 10. I decided to head home as next day I had to go to work.

The 10.07 train from Dombivli was quite full, I didnt realize that ladies compartments are not having any ladies at that time of the nite. Most compartments seemed to be filled with men, some had wives & kids with them. Finally decided to sit in the first class compartment which had this couple with a little girl with them. Soon other families joined us at the next stations.

At Kurla we actually had a TC walk in to check tickets...at 10.45pm. Matunga station was almost empty at 11pm. I didnt have the energy to walk home so simply took a cab outside the station.

Came home feeling physically and mentally drained. Strangely I kept feeling drained for the next 2 days. Emotional distress can really make you feel physically tired as well.

This weekend has been a great healer. Feel much better, I'm usually pretty upbeat about life. Death I think has the ability to rob you of everything but memories, its these memories which we cherish and keep as secure and alive as possible when loved ones are no longer physically present.